The Baked Bean Story

   Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion 
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell
in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to 
himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made 
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that
they got married.

   A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke
down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and
told her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home,
he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.

   Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could
walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of 
baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down
one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home
he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed some what excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the mot wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his
chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. 
At this point he was begginning to feel another one coming on. Just
as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She 
again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went
to answer the phone.

   While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as
a rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel
better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
'rrriiiipppp!'. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, 
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to
normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to
his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the
windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later
the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in
on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of 
staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

   When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his
loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

   Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at
the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the 
blindfold and yelled,  "Surprise!!"

   To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.