I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers,
comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from women
who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already
married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends
most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home.
These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex
appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the
best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be
able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without
having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose
best career option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with
its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal
beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will
gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put
them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man.
You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners
because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying
anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually
talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months.If
a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat
stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer
and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with
somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion
with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili
peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12
hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know
because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married
a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't
statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing
I've written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They
tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated
testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on
people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial
I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing
out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't
the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay.
Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be
laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton
said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S.
government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could
argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the
government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,
so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers
are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the
word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot
car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars
so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men
know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to
look at them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify
for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who
takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why
the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man
in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that
this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that
it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just
look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's
just that I'm sure they won't read this article.