When you think of it, there are only two things you need.
You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it.
You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but
otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, sex is dirty.
Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want
to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the
doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only
can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals,
you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to
watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're
going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the
kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple
twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire
culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
-When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well,
food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."
-Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.
-Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests.
"Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni."
-Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this
weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
-Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
-Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the
poultry section.
-Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and
day-of-the-week paper plates.
-Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
-Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All
right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns,
mister."
-Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a
lot of them would move to the Bay Area.
-Most suburban school districts would ban home ec.
-Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street
corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy,
looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"
-Fudamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a
religious tenet.
-Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
-Parents would tell their children not to play with their food
or they'll go blind.
-Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them
marinating.
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